A YEAR IN MY LIFE

part nine

by ryan mcnally

welcome back

incase you're new here-

nice to meet you! im ryan mcnally, i just turned 24. i'm from new jersey & i'm really happy about that. annually, i make a short film composed of clips i take throughout the year.

i just finished my 9th one, depicting my 23rd year on earth. i don't use many words in the film itself, so i have this website to share my thoughts & learnings throughout the year. this page is made up of entries from all different times of the year, so you may hear perspectives of multiple versions of me.

i hope you enjoy, i hope you can learn something.

also, i tweeted my thoughts throughout the year as they came to me. you can read that here.

number nine.

let's talk-

hey

it’s a saturday night, late september 2024.

i love late september, i really have learned to love the fall.

it’s funny how school kinda makes this time period dreadful, with the end of summer break and everything. i love the way it smells and looks. i know the enjoyable part of autumn is actually the death of everything - an interesting enigma.

i know it means that winter is coming, but thinking that way means that you have removed urself from the present moment, which we ALL need to stop doing. there’s purpose in every ending.

anyway

this is my first entry in the description of a year in my life 9. it’s funny, that film doesn’t even exist yet, but i don't wait until the year is over to start writing about it. i only know one song i wanna use for the film so far. i worry about that, i always worry that i won’t know what songs to use.

with these videos comes a lot of worry.

i always worry that i’m living for the camera too much, which is a really twisted way to look at your days. i’m not nineteen anymore, and sometimes i have to remind myself. it’s okay that these videos show an actual progression in a life. from boyhood to adulthood, taking moments more seriously, and even realizing what i don’t want the internet to see, (which has become a lot of my life lately). the “year in my life” series can be a double-edged sword at times. being able to look back at super personal moments in these videos is so important to me. at the same time, i don’t like that someone can go look at my parents birthday celebrations every year. it almost makes me feel like i don’t get these moments to myself. it’s hard to explain, but there are times i feel bad that my family's intimate moments can be on display for the world. i don’t even know if anyone actually minds it.

i think too much.

writing that makes me realize that i really do think in poetic language everyday.

there's this really thin line i walk, it looks like this:

did that make any sense at all?

moving on

maybe you've noticed- i haven’t tweeted much this year, i haven't posted many films nor have i been able to spill my mind too heavily on this website. but i've realized something -

i’m ok now.

i'm not sure if you recall much from last time we spoke,

but i really was a nervous wreck last year. i had a few years like that. they built character.

i’ve become happy with the whirls of the winds. the distance no longer bothers me, i love the friends i have and i don’t need anyone else at this current moment. i’m growing into someone i love. im okay with time passing, i don't feel too young or too old anymore. i feel like me. im grateful for the chair im in, oh what a privilege it is to know where im waking up tomorrow. i don't replay scenarios in my head. i don't wish things panned out differently. my accomplishments are clear,

as are my intentions in this life.

i always thought i'd need certain things to make my smile curl.

ive “gotten through the hard things and they've made me gentle to the ways of the world”, or however he said it.

i can't believe nine years have passed.

what's felt like nine lifetimes somehow slipped through my fingers without me realizing. they couldn't have been better, although i do wish i believed adults when they warned us about how fast life goes by. the reality checks are insane, i really feel like there's no fade from childhood to adulthood. you wake up one day and you're in your twenties, and you hear songs that you first heard... ten years ago? 'ten years' used to be an exaggeration.

a new person in my life wrote to me today and told me that when they see old “year in my life” clips, they hope they aren’t stopping me from having fun. i hated hearing this.

i guess when they know a part of me from a literal highlight reel, it makes it look like all i want in my life are movie-esque moments. maybe it looks like they’re holding me back from what my life looked like before them. truth is, i’m not nineteen anymore, but sometimes i need to remind myself.

i’m turning 24 soon. i’m still alive, a lot of us are still alive, which i’ll always think is an underrated thing to remind yourself. it’s pretty miraculous that we even stay alive at all. i’ve made it 23 years and not ONE situation i’ve been has taken me away. not one drunk driver has veered off with me next to them. nothing in my body has failed, not one plane went down, and i've never managed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. most importantly, not one of these years have let me give up on YIML.

something funny that i hear as criticism every year is that i should add voice overs.

no! never will i ever.

that’s not what a 'year in my life' is.

a year in my life is a 14 year old ryan mcnally vision,

i’ll keep it how he wanted it to be. cuts to the beats of songs, maybe some sound effects and title screens thrown in. an intro that explains my brain using characters, and separate songs to show seasons changing.

nothing elaborate, but to tell a story in possibly the hardest way-

by saying nothing.

i have other films to show u elaborate edits or spoken word.

a year in my life is created in the mind of a 14 year old, and we will keep it how he wanted it.

it kills me to rewatch every single clip i’ve ever filmed to point out which ones really represent the times of my life i dream about. not an exaggeration here, in my dreams i’m really with old friends again, doing old stuff. it can really make you sick. you spend the whole night convincing yourself things are the way they were, and then you wake up and the room is silent. you pick up the device they’re not in. you can even open the camera and see nothing the way you used to.

nine whole years have passed.

i’m writing this part on a day i spent looking at old videos. (january 23, 2025) my day is weird now, it takes a day like today to really notice the parts of you you’ve lost. it’s easy to live in the present when you’re looking at it

that’s one thing i don’t think people realize about films- you have no choice but to make them about the past. no footage of the future exists. this sounds obvious but you really need to think about what that can do to a filmmaker's brain.

i like to believe your art has to destroy you to properly exit your body. filming this intro in the bay was horrible, but oddly one of the most fun days i had this whole year. although it’s one of my favorite projects, filming the year 5 intro may be the most uncomfortable day of my life. i was paralyzed by cramps from being too cold more than once that day.

good art comes from the heart, not the mind, and communicating your heartstrings will never be easy

P.S. this version of "Me & My Dog" by boygenius only exists in this film. i made it myself and added vocals and different keys and things from live performances. i also flopped lyrics around. i think its the best version of this song.

23 went like this:

as always, it starts in florida. i stay with my parents for my birthday, a great escape from everything to focus on making yiml.

i got this lorde hoodie for my bday.

also, my parents came with me to tampa to get my teeth molded for something ive wanted since i was sixteen.

i think they only agreed to it cause it was my bday.

drove home to new jersey just in time for the YIML 8 viewing party.

i wrote about it on last year's webpage, but this was really fun

weeks and weeks of holding on to a finished "year in my life 8" while

creating the first launch of massparanoia, along with this website.

so many samples, photoshoots, mistakes, rough sketches, etc.

a lot of the first ideas of a design are sketched on snapchat.

it's the easiest place to draw something really quick no matter where you are.

amanda got me flowers on the 'year in my life 8' release day

"most men recieve their first flower at their funeral"

summer 2024 was magical

i've been dying my own hair for a while now, but i finally

stopped following the "rules" that cosmetologists think they know

i learned that you can bleach your hair as many times as u want.

i can now achieve the hardest color to get in the hair world

(works cited)

this one toner did make my hair pink for like three days though.

one night, some drunk kids put this hermit crab down on the bar.

then proceeded to smack him across the room.

my friends and i saved his life, carried him and his broken shell

cross the town in the middle of the night.

i got him a home and a whole bunch of brothers

i still do this when i remember that i can.

because of last year's eye infection, plenty days still looked like this.

we went on this roadtrip

there is no place like new england in autumn.

i made a film about it here.

northern lights at harvard

I SAW THIS BEAR

i was walking down the street and i saw this guy down the road

i immediately started running away

then i stopped and realized the bear didn't even see me

so i started walking back towards him

(really dumb idea but it was across a main road

so he couldn't have gotten to me)

i somehow got footage of him looking at me

im so happy this moment made it into yiml nine.

this meant a lot to amanda and i

the holidays came and went, & before i knew it i was

packing up my room to go to florida again

charleston is my favorite stop on the drive to florida.

probably just my favorite town in general.

(that pink house belongs to a relative of mine.

i hope to buy it from him one day.)

this is how i travel my hard drives as i drive down the coast.

i bring them into every hotel room and hide them.

i cannot risk losing these.

truly my prized possession

made it to my parents house and the carnival was in town

for my 24th birthday. i love fairs

amanda got me this vinyl with the intro songs of every single

'year in my life' video.

may just be the best gift i have ever received

END OF RECAP.

NOW FOR AN UPDATE ON..

last time we spoke, i was telling you about this idea i had since i was eighteen.

behind all of those words and posts about it, i was really afraid to launch something like this. i was releasing clothes for the first time by myself, which was completely different than what i've done before.

it's a lot easier to say “we” than "i" when speaking on a creation. you have to be a lot more confident when you’re the only name associated with something.

albeit, it was one of the first times i really felt rewarded for something i've made. it's hard to process in a way. people i don't know personally are walking around with my art on their chest. friends of mine, for the rest of their lives, will see the name of this universe ive created on their bodies.

theres no real way to put these things into perspective.

i do want to say thank you. to anyone who's said something positive or told a friend about this, thank you. often times verbal support is way more important than financial support, so never feel obligated to support me in that way. thank you for trusting my visions and supporting what means a lot to me. i'll never speak numbers or tell quantities, but i really can't believe that something like this is already successful.

a few months ago, i was put into contact with the creators of Splinterlands. without going into too much detail, there are hundreds of thousands of active users everyday on this game. i got the opportunity to make their first officially licensed clothing collab.

there were plenty of calls and meetings about this, but hearing the term “massparanoia art style” did not get old. to have something ive made be recognized like that was unreal.

a friend of mine owns a store in south jersey, and we collaborated on a t-shirt that was only available in his store.

a lot of them sold, to people who don't even know who i am or what my brand is.

it's gonna be really cool to see people walking around wearing the ghost one day.

when you put things out into the world, you never really know who's watching. an artist of one of the songs in a year in my life 9 randomly ordered clothes a few months ago. i didn't reach out first or anything - this was awesome

so that's where we're at with this seed we're all collectively watering.

from me to you, fourteen new designs added to the shop.

i hope you love them, i was really careful this time around and made sure the material and colors were perfect.

MASSPARANOIA COLLECTION 2

AVAILABLE NOW

a year in my life 9 intro

freezing. low of 54 degrees the morning we filmed. there were three different film days, but the first time we went in the bay at sunrise was september 2024. it was absurd, i can't believe jason was okay with going underwater in the bear suit.

the second sunrise bay shoot was june eleventh 2025.

nine months after the first shoot, i knew we could make it better. it would probably take me 3 more film days to REALLY get every shot the exact way i want it, but i do love the way this came out. i always have to remind myself there's no such thing as perfection.

one day we'll all be able to fully appreciate the story being told in these intros.

it's still being told as we speak.

for now, the characters force you to have an imagination. they invite you to participate and fill those shoes with whatever you please.

usually, whatever you come up with says a lot about yourself. it can be very telling.

A YEAR IN MY LIFE 9

VIEWING PARTY

3/29/25

the most special day of the year

it's pretty much replaced my birthday, i celebrate growing up in YIMLs rather than actually reaching a new age.

we all dress up formally and gather around a screen to watch the new year in my life video every year. before i show the new installment we watch a big compilation of old and new videos of all of us.

we try to make it as exagerrated as possible. it's funny. imagine five grown men trying to make a balloon arch.

there's something genius about making my house look like a prom, having everyone dress up, and then just showing the most absurd videos on a screen.

the things we see on that screen can never be posted on the internet.

the environment of an entire friend group gathered & standing in one room to watch our memories is unmatched.

i can't compare it to any other experience.

i have a film about the viewing party coming out two weeks after 'a year in my life 9' is released.

what's next for us-

every week for atleast this whole summer, im uploading on youtube every single wednesday. ive always wanted to be on a schedule like this, but i cant pour out feelings at such a constant rate.

basically, every film ive ever started / stored on my

hard drive since ive first started making them is gonna be released.

im assuming the way i feel about this collection is similar to the way an artist feels dropping an album. i really like these videos, im working on all of them pretty much simultaneously.

i think they tie up all the loose ends that have been left by my previous films throughout these 9 years. it feels like im graduating. they kinda say “hey, im still going through things everyday, but i know how to deal with it now.” atleast when i watch them, they really show me that i have a grasp on things now. i like how theres a touch of “ive fallen in love with the world around me” too.

i didnt want this album to be

"hear my pain" or"watch me cry".

i wanted this album to be

"follow me while i figure this out"

amanda has taught me so much this year. taught me how to be confident & made me really realize what i’m good at . reminds me of my goals and how real they can be.
maybe the first person to ever really do that to me.

somehow, unintentionally, she’s also made me realize what type of person i am & that’s brought me to reflect a lot about how i grew up and the way i was with my family .

this release feels so correct. so intentional. it sets up the end of this series (year 10) perfectly.

a couple of years ago, i came home from california with pretty much nothing. no family here, no real place to call home . no people i wanted to be around .
i was scatterbrained. i had no idea what was next for me or what i wanted to make of myself. so many ideas in my head but i felt like i was stranded on an island. it’s been a process to get myself back on my feet and continue to pursue what i’ve always wanted to . i had to really regain confidence in myself and relearn that my ideas are worth pursuing after such a life twisting change of events that were spearheaded by my thoughts.

i feel like i’ve proved myself now. i’ve proved that the massparanoia universe is a real thing and i can do it all myself.

2025.
a lot happens this time of year with releasing clothing and the video and the website. it’s a lot to juggle.

thank god i have a
photographer
videographer
editor
graphic designer
artist
print provider
website designer
mixing engineer
writer
cinematographer
actor
& promoter

on my team

& they all happen to be the same person .

right now it’s may, hopefully june by the time you’re reading this, and the work is no longer mine. no longer only what i think of it, but more so clouded by what people have said about it (which can be a really good thing). i stop filming on my birthday, which was the last day of january. it’s 4 months later, i’m very aware that this isn’t the most ‘real time’ recap, but art has this weird way of being picky. i can’t just sit down and have ideas whenever i want. like i’ve said in previous years, these videos are months of mental creation, including car rides listening to the soundtrack, seeing what songs carry the correct momentum i was feeling at each part of the year. everything is so intentional. i need the colors to match the season. i love the explosions of greenery around spring, and the orange hue of the video around october. this stuff is so important to me. i’m not sure if i have that whole “synesthesia” thing that has become a trend to have, but all of these songs smell like a season and sound like a color.

every year it’s a puzzle. it feels like a million pieces that i put (literally) blood sweat and tears into making work together. and like i said before - art is so picky. it doesn’t listen to you when you tell it to come out .

dominic fike said “we’ll go on hikes, we’ll take people to the movies, whatever the fuck we have to do to, like, get out of our bodies. and into this, like, mission, this intention”

there are times i look at this website and think that nobody deserves any of these words. nobody cares what i have to say, my perspective isn’t something they can fit into their day.

BUT, after a walk, a concert, certain albums, good interviews, i realize that expression is the only thing we have. nothing around you is created without putting thoughts into words. atleast for me, i have to do a whole lot of isolation to really see what i want my hands to do.

i’m building a keepsafe of my entire life. i’ll be able to re introduce myself to who i was at every age.

it’s always moving. no matter who’s watching, no matter who cares, this is all we have.

whomever this finds, i cannot thank you enough for being here.

thank you chris palmeri for what you said about my website last year. you made me really confident in my writing.

savfeb, aaliyah, talia, i really love hearing what you guys think every year. amanda, seeing the way music hits you is one of the most motivating things i had this year. tony, i hope i hear ur thoughts face to face again.

mom & dad, my dreams get closer to reality everyday. the second you guys lose faith is the day i hang it all up. to anyone who is proud to call me their friend, i can't ask for more than that.

my favorite human said this:

"im someone who has to go away, figure it out, and, ill be back...

and ill bring you a full universe, you know, when i come back. but it takes me a minute."

lets keep experiencing together.

as always,

"what makes me love you"

massparanoia forever...