a year in my life
part eight

by ryan mcnally

what is this?

2023-

THE YEAR I LEARNED I'M NOT INVINCIBLE

my stories are always told with the assumption that the reader knows who i am & the context of everything being said

truth is, if you’re reading this, there’s a very small chance you know who i am

my name is ryan

i made a video about my year for the eighth time. i've been doing it since i was 15. this is where i share my thoughts and experiences of being 22.

youtube doesn't let you say a lot in the description box, so this is where i can get all my thoughts out without being limited to a word count.

if you haven't watched the video yet, watch it here.

i’m 22 years old as of november 21 2023. i live all by myself in a small town on the coast of new jersey

it’s cold this time of year, my home is quiet.

the age of 22 was

dark

scary

solitude

beautiful

((massively paranoid))

number eight.

to whomever this finds-

enjoy this. turn off the world for a little bit and get a new insight. i wrote you a lot this year, just incase you cared. at times i felt it was too much, but i'd rather cater toward the people who want my words rather than toward the people who don't.

read with care-

see you on the other side

let's speak. there's a hangover you get from oversharing. it happened after i posted last year’s website, it happened after i released my book. i feel naked. hanging out with someone and they say “i read your description”, like wow, my pants are down too aren't they? and you can judge my entire heart that's between ur palms now?

albeit its needed. there's something magical that happens when you share a thought.

i don't know what i did to earn this-

i am so grateful that, although it may be once a year, i have a platform where i can share my mind and tell everything i want people to know. sometimes i don't even want people to know these things, and i think that's where the magic happens. i can hold my chin a little higher because i know that i'm not hiding anymore. i love being me, and the more i tell you about me, the more i understand me. i'm eternally thankful that you lend your eyes to my words for a few minutes. i don't know what i did to earn that, but it makes me feel like somehow, somewhere, i did something right.

8 years ago, before “a year in my life” was a series of films, it was a mindset of longing for self worth. it was a young kid's mind who knew his life could be noteworthy. it was a friend group that never let a moment dry. it was a messy bedroom with self expression spilled all over it. it was a daydream in 3rd period.

you have the tools in front of you to create something special. every single one of us does. no two stories are the same, none of us have the same perspective or sit with the same collection of thoughts every night. there's an album in your brain, there are paintings in your fingertips. they don't come out on their own either.

don't die with your art still in you.

create something, tell your story. please, even if nobody observes it.

okay. time to tell you about my year.

it wasn't my favorite one, rate it for yourself though.

it went like this:

the themes are always the same..

it starts in florida.

february-

i loved wine in this era.

it makes every movie better.

i worked on last year's website here, before the video was even finished.

i love taking a step back when i go to florida every year.

a month all to myself.

march-

back home to new jersey to complete 'a year in my life 7'

soon after,

my cousin and i went to new york to film the intro of year 7.

i randomly became fascinated with montauk NY while i was away in florida, so matt and i were headed there the day before we were supposed to film the intro.

a few hours into our trip matt and i hit this basketball court we'd seen on youtube a million times.

**key detail i took one 3 pointer and i fucking made the shot

i was about to experience a moment that would alter my brain chemistry forever

after the basketball court, i went back to the car and took a sip of my water bottle.

when i put the bottle to my mouth, i couldn't see the bottle.

i thought this was weird, but maybe i was just confused.

matt got back in the car and i kept driving.

we were leaving the neighborhood and i could not see straight. it was almost as if i had that spot on my vision that you get after you look at the sun.

we got to the highway and i felt like i was looking through crumbled up saran wrap over half of my vision.

how do you tell the passenger of your car that you cannot make out any objects on the road?

how i didn't crash the car that day still amazes me, but let's move on-

i eventually told matt that i was having fuzzy vision. he told me where the exit lane was and i went to the nearest parking lot.

but

here's where the story twists.

i reclined the seat and layed down in the car for about 20 minutes. i couldn't think straight, my vision was back to normal though. i thought this was just some extreme panic attack.

i walked into the building we were parked in front of and i asked the man inside if i could use the bathroom. he said,

"no, this is a school. there's kids here."

i tried to respond something along the lines of "i understand"

but i couldn't form a word.

i turned around and pushed the door open to run back to the car. when i pushed that door open, my right arm did nothing.

i was trying to tell my mom what was happening. i was non verbal, i couldn't feel my hand nor the right side of my face. imagine being really hammered and you just can't text correctly. it was like that, my brain was unplugged.

my mom called me and told me to go to the emergency room.

i got in the passenger seat of my car and told matt "bedroom... bedroom"

i put my mom on speaker and she let matt know what i was trying to say.

i couldn't form a sentence.

this was genuine horror. the most scared i've ever been in my life. i thought i was having a stroke, i heard people died of strokes.

i wanted a good last tweet. this was really hard to type. matt was driving my car to the hospital.

the ct scan told me there was no bloodclot in my head.

they had no idea what happened.

i went home that night and had no idea what to think. my mom explained to me that TIA's run in our family.

"A brief stroke-like attack that, despite resolving within minutes to hours, still requires immediate medical attention to distinguish from an actual stroke."

my mom and her dad have had like 3 of them in their lifetime. she told me i would have another in like 15 years and that although it's a scary experience, i had nothing to worry about.

which i was okay with. i was so happy to still be alive. i felt like i had a brand new lens to look at life through.

here are some pictures i found that semi accurately describe what the visuals are like (add flashing and moving lines)

a few weeks later i came back to new york and we finished the intro to 'a year in my life 7'

uploaded year 7. an incredible film.

i wrote about the video and the viewing party

on last year's website. read it here

some months would pass and i’d have another stroke-like experience. just like last time, i was playing basketball when it happened.

i wasn’t scared this time, but the themes were the same. the world around me was altered, like a really strong hallucination. when i looked into the sky there was a circle of flashing zig zag lines.

my friends took me home and i took medicine and went to sleep.

this experience changed me.

after my first one, all i heard from my family and the internet was that these are genetic, and just happen every so often.

having two of these in two months made me think it wasn’t genetic and something is actually wrong. i thought i was developing blood clots.

i didn’t know what to think, but i was ruined. for months i was ruined. i had no idea what was happening in my brain and i’m not good at being optimistic when it comes to myself.

everywhere i went i wondered how i'd get to safety if i suddenly had no motor function and couldn’t communicate. i KNOW this is dramatic. it’s so stupid in hindsight but i didn’t know how to handle these new experiences. i thought i was going to die. i wrote all of my passwords down in a notebook and made a list of who i loved. i wrote what i want the future to look like for my friends and i, i told matt exactly what to do to fufill my dreams. this was the first time i realized this life is a finite experience.

i know these experiences aren't too relevant to my film or even necessarily enjoyable to read about, but i feel that it's important to tell you. these moments impact my life every single day. i always try to make the long story short when people ask about this. it's not too easy, so here's where i can direct them if they still want to know why i don't live the same way i used to.

also, i want people to be aware of what's happening if i start having a little episode while i'm with them.

now i only told one person about it at the time, still haven’t told anyone else, but i developed really serious derealization/depersonalization during this era.

(don’t google this, don’t put it into your subconscious. it’s not real. it’s an anxiety symptom.)

don’t even tell people what derealization is.

im about to do it right now but skip this part if you’re ignorantly blissful-

this is embarrassing to say but i know people can relate to it.

i don’t know how to word it. i guess this is an “if you know you know” type of feeling.

i’ll try to explain it to you with out googling “how to explain depersonalization”

little things just felt odd.

it feels like you’re watching your life happen, rather than being the one living it.

everything looks lifeless, almost fake. i didn’t trust my eyes anymore since they had already failed me twice now. my depth perception was weird. i knew that at any second my brain / eyes could just turn off, so who’s to say that right now as i scan this bedroom, it’s not the beginning of a stroke? am i really seeing life clear? or are things being altered in my vision right now?

it took me some time to get out of this phase and i can’t remember exactly what helped. a huge part of it was a visit to a neurologist, the nicest woman ever who sat with me and answered all my stupid questions. she was calm and knew exactly what i had experienced, she even put it into better words than i could.

she taught me what a “migraine with aura” was and how it’s just about the same thing as a mini stroke.

same symptoms and everything.

i hated that era.

i know it’s crazy. i know it’s dumb.

but it’s real, and it changed my life.

to this day i still won’t go far from safety. i still have a little freak out when that little dark ball is in my vision after looking at a light that’s too bright.

i’ll probably never play basketball again.

it’s mid august right now , about 5 am and it’s time to write the first entry in here

fighting

fucking

battle

every

single day

anxious...

anxiety comes and goes for everyone

WHEN THE FUCK DOES IT “GO?”

i hate the word anxiety, it’s the dumbest concept ever

for so long i discredited people who act crippled because of mental battles

i get it now.

i've never been the one to turn to drugs but

at times i wonder if im one pill away from having a completely normal life

whenever i do anything lately i’m constantly in my head, over analyzing everything.

my vision gets blurry because of it

i get light headed

if i’m away from home my thoughts repeat:

what if i get nauseous here?

what if i get another mini stroke?

this is no way to live. it’s misery when i let it get to me.

the craziest part is- if im distracted, i feel so fine. right when i remember that things could happen, i start feeling terrible.

is it all mental?

has it been mental this whole time?

it’s a battle. i want to be able to fly places. i want to join my family on road trips. i want to be on my feet all day and know that i won’t pass out.

i used to make fun of people like this

like “wtf r u scared of all the time"

i’ve been out of the country multiple times but now i dread getting on a plane.

i don’t get it. my mind is sharp and i’ve learned so much about the mind and how to calm myself down but it’s now worse than ever

maybe i cursed myself by putting it into my subconscious.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS~

here's something i wrote in the midst of these feelings,

i don't say that stuff outloud. i don't even know what sharing it will do for me.

i don't want to let people down.

don't worry though, im okay now. this phase ended, and i don't think ill let myself get like that again.

summer 2023 happened, it was awesome

nice skies, nice moments

my parents visited, my cats were here fuck yesss

but

here's where i finally share with you

the darkest chapter

of my entire life.

again, i’m not gonna make a long story short here. i never gave details to my friends about this. i wanted this experience to exist in the least amount of brains possible.

a lot of people probably don’t even know about this

i promise not to be hyperbolic.

september 9, 2023

i wake up like this

whatever. just normal pink eye. won’t touch my eye, won’t touch anybody else, this will pass.

the next day, i wake up and my eye is still bad.

it’s swollen and there's a lot of crust.

i went to the doctor to get some sort of medicine, as u do with pink eye. the doctor looked at my eye for eight seconds and told me it was pink eye. then gave me eye drops.

although my eye was dark red, there was an olivia rodrigo

pop-up shop in new york for her new album that just come out like a day before. i went there after the doctor

i guess this discloses why i had glasses on in these pictures. i’d rather you know this though. i felt like a moron wearing them inside.

this was my last fun day for some time.

i got home late this night and pet my cats for awhile and then went to sleep

the next day, september 11, i woke up like this

it looked absurd. it spread to both eyes. and it hurt. it burned.

i went downstairs to my family telling me that my cat boosh never came home last night after going outside

these two things made me sit in bed all day.

days passed and my eyes only seemed to get darker shades of red and hurt worse, & no sign of boosh anywhere.

i hadn't left my house in some days. my parents walked to see the sunrise with me.

my mom was calling “boosh, boosh” trying to see if he could hear us

i knew it was the very last day of my life hearing her call him, thank god i had sunglasses on.

last time i would ever remove his hair from my shirt.

"you big dummy".

you added an accessory to every outfit i had.

i’ve never really experienced loss before. especially a loss where you don’t have proof. i didn’t want to allow myself to start accepting it when i didn’t know if it was real. how do i know if he’s gonna come home or not?

is he just on an adventure that’s lasting longer? did he get lost?

my eyes were in immense pain every second of every day.

i could still see though, although my eyes were extremely swollen.

we went to another doctor and i told them how this is NOT pink eye. pink eye doesn’t do any of what’s happening to me.

this fucking moron doctor told me it’s just pink eye and put me on a stronger eye drop

things only seemed to get worse

my vision got extremely blurry. i’m assuming it’s like not having your glasses on, an experience i’ve never had before. anything further than about 5 feet away from me was super blurry.

worse and worse this got. my eyes only became more swollen. if i really needed to see something, even my phone screen, i would have to hold one eyelid open, (because of how swollen they were), and bring it extremely close to my face.

this lasted weeks. i was sitting in my bed all day every single day. i couldn’t see anything.

my parents would take me to the beach to watch the sunset these nights. i know we were thinking about boosh, even when we wouldn't talk about him. the weather was getting colder, the sun was going down earlier, life was changing.

my spirit was changing.

something in that sky told me i would never see boosh again.

after another visit or two, we found a really smart eye doctor who knew exactly what i was experiencing. something called “EKC”, the biggest fear in the eye doctor world. it’s referred to as an epidemic because of how contagious it is.

the doctor told me she hadn’t seen a case of this in over 5 years. nobody was allowed to enter the room i was in inside of the doctors office for the rest of the week. they referred to it as “ground zero” and needed to wait for the actual weekend janitors to come disinfect the entire room.

it’s scary. it’s literally the worst fucking thing ever. the doctors knew it, they would stand ten feet away from me.

and here’s the thing - there’s no cure.

the doctor said, “it’s gonna be 4-6 weeks of complete agony”. those words will never ever leave my brain. a sentence has never crushed my spirit so hard.

i didn’t speak the whole way home. i could not process the fact that there was going to be another month of darkness. no interaction. no visuals.

just my bed and the new music i had.

it hurt to look at my phone, so i only really listened to what was at the top of the library.

(maybe that’s why i like certain artists so much. maybe it’s all i had. maybe it’s the only thing i could distract myself with.)

you never know why someone likes what they like.

oh! i forgot to mention- earlier in that week when my eyes weren’t as terrible, my dad and i were passing the guitar back and forth. i needed this. i hadn't hungout with anyone in some time.

71642575938__8CBB4B36-10F0-4536-BD0E-EE279B0BC33F.heic

we weren’t aware of how contagious i was

a few days later, my dad walks in my room with a dark red eye

soul crushing..

anyway, this wasn’t even the worst of it. the partial blindness somehow found a way to add a new perk-

LIGHT SENSITIVITY

you know that feeling you get when you’re asleep in a dark room and someone turns the light on?

and you cannot open your eyes? and it hurts?

i had this. to the slightest bit of light you can imagine.

all

day

long

every

day

so now, i couldn’t even look at my phone. i couldn’t watch anything. i couldn’t even enjoy daylight.

my parents went out and got me blackout curtains. the slightest slip of light between the wall and the end of the curtain would hurt me.

sunglasses on (two pairs), hood up, eyes still closed, everyday.

eyelids are not thick enough, i learned this the hardest way.

i don’t even know how to explain what this was like. it’s not possible. words don’t exist.

the worst part of all was knowing that my dad was downstairs experiencing the same thing as me.

my cat roxy just lost her brother, and i couldn’t even spend time with her. i didn’t want to touch anything or anyone.

all i could really do was join discord on my phone.

to the porter house. u morons. u guys have no idea how much that helped me.

also- another thing, i couldn’t just sit or lay however i wanted to. there was so much pressure in my eyes that if i looked straight, up, or sideways, i would feel the pressure pushing against my eyes.

right now, close your eyes as hard as you can, and hold it for a second.

do you hear that noise in your ears? like a rumbling, pressure sensation-

that’s exactly what i would continuously experience if i layed on my back or my side.

i had to lay in the plank position so my eyes would be facing downward. all day. if i wanted to sit up, i would sit criss cross and put about 6 pillows on top of eachother so i could rest my head facing downward.

at night i would dream. i would put my headphones on and just barely be able to look around my room. i could see where my nightstand was, i knew which way i was facing.

i would dream. i would dream of walking down the street. i would dream of holding roxy. i would dream of driving my car.

i would dream of looking at something, anything.

i had taken the world for granted, i never knew how lucky i was to be able to see things.

"you're not special, you're evil.

you don't get to tell me to calm down."

i am blessed to have recovered from this by the beginning of october. there were still little growths on my eyes that took about a month to go away, things were just a little bit blurry until then.

just like people on the internet said, effects of EKC may never fully go away.

me and my dad will still get weird sensations in our eyes here and there, little sharp pains that last a few seconds. adjustments to light are weird, and who knows if i have 20/20 vision still.

***april 2024 update: i went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago, and i still have 20+ little growths on my pupils. it makes things really blurry at times, but im on eyedrops that will hopefully get rid of them. emphasis on hopefully. silently dealing with this every single day.

my eye doctor even got EKC during that time. she said it was worse than giving birth. (pain wise im assuming)

also, she told me that many people in my county had this at the same time as me. poor kids. we would probably have a lot to talk about.

this time period will probably haunt me forever.

if i were to get it again, and there was a pill that costs $10,000 to cure it, i would buy that pill. i would buy eight of them and go into debt.

my dad and i will laugh about it at times. the other day i asked him if he would rather get shot in the foot or get EKC again.

he said shot in the foot

it’s that bad.

but here i am. my spirit has not been crushed, although that’s the closest it’s ever been.

if there’s anything you can take from this, please, never touch your eyes. ever. (even though what i had was viral, not bacterial, meaning that nothing went into my eye to cause it. i caught it like a cold). maybe don't take the fact that you can see for granted either. look around right now and say wowww this is fuckin sweet

boosh, i miss you a lot. i’m sorry i didn’t get to say goodbye,

i hope your last adventure was everything you wanted it to be.

wow i hated typing that, i never wanted to recollect on that time period that hard again. i hope it wasn’t too disturbing.

71403318554__E5A07A70-6749-4B24-9681-4C78C63DF6B9.heic

october-

i was happy now.

my cousin got married around this time!

heres me.

(i swear i didn't pull up in these shoes, i changed into them toward the end of the night)

november came-

everyone is gone for the winter.

just me in the massparanoia house, me and my voice.

i brought all of my music stuff into the living room. something about my bedroom is really distracting, it’s almost like i designed it to be a playhouse.

i can see the water behind me in this room, i like the way the sun shines in and slowly fades out around 5 o’clock

it’s my own little studio right now. i’ve been recording these melodies im making, i really love hearing myself

january-

packed up all my stuff for my retreat to florida. gonna spend my 23rd birthday with my parents and think about things in the sun.

i drove there this year, it was amazing. i got to see charleston and sleep at my friend's houses that live between NJ and FL.

charleston might be the best city. i haven't even thought about new york since seeing charleston again.

at last,

back in the sun.

end of recap.

moving on,

a year in my life 8 viewing party

i was so happy this day.

friends drove hours and hours. from all different states. gabe drove from south carolina. gilly flew from north carolina.

i don't know why you guys care. but you do, and for that i am forever grateful.

no amount of views on the internet can match what something like this feels like.

i was so happy this day. months ago i couldn't see. there were moments where i didn't know if i would ever be able to see again.

i was home from florida, hadn't seen my friends in months, & so many of them were all under the same roof.

it was like finishing a hike and standing still atop of the mountain. i finally made it. ahhh i cant even explain what i was feeling

everything went perfect. we watched a 40 minute video i put together of all the funny moments we've had and a ton of inside jokes. i made a "yiml yearbook" type video with senior quotes and everything for the returning YIML class of 2024.

the crowd roars when certain things would pop up on the screen were too perfect. the last eleven minutes showed 'a year in my life 8'.

the standing ovation made me want to cry

i wish i remembered more conversations i had with you guys after the video ended. i was too focused on showing the proper gratitude to actually process what you were telling me. i do remember someone telling me something along the lines of "this is you. you got us all here." whoever that was, i'd love to know more of how that conversation went.

we all dress up in suits and such, it's a very formal event.

there's a sort of cult following of how serious we take yiml.

we scream before the video, watch in silence during it, then immeditately scream after.

it's really interesting. it's really sacred. it's the best thing ever.

thanks dan matt & amanda for helping me make my living room look like a prom

LOVE U.

it's finally here.

massparanoia-

an idea i had in the first months of 2019.

all created by me.

"massparanoia" is something i've been branding my films with for years now. i want it to represent a universe, a multimedia project with layers and layers and layers.

i'm trying not to disrupt the self-interpretation realm of what this is. maybe the mysterious factor draws in more eyes. maybe you can create your own realm. maybe i just don't know how to explain it yet.

i wanted it to be cheap, i know t-shirts are upwards of $30 in 2024, but i don't want to profit off of people who care.

i don't want you to have these clothes because you want to support me, i want you to get a shirt that you'll like. don't keep it nice, don't treat it like a relic, live in it. love in it. get it dirty. attach a memory to it.

this drop means a lot to me.

HANDDRAWN BY RYAN MCNALLY. NEVER AI.

it's my first time releasing clothing by myself.

there's something special about it, i think i'll feel way more proud this time.

again, every single part of the process was done by me. this has been years in the making. i am so grateful for any of you who decide to take a look at what i've created.

the store is linked at the top of this page, or you can access it here.

if there are ANY problems with your order / the prints, please don't hesitate to reach out. i'll make it right.

the manufacturer and I double layer the graphics with a white underprint so that the colors stand out / contrast against their backgrounds. if there are mistakes, and the layers aren't lined up properly, REACH OUT TO ME. i can refund you or get you a new copy.

also, we use heat to make these designs go into the fabric, rather than rest on top. in this process, there's really small room for error where you can see a discoloring in the print area due to the heat. IF THIS HAPPENS, REACH OUT!

the tees have custom tags.

the hoodies are lightweight, i know spring is here.

if you remember anything from my last brand, the hoodies are really soft.

wash these on COLD

HANG DRY

follow @massparanoia on instagram.

love u,

- massparanoia forever

11-16-23

new hope, pennsylvania

i love who i am here

listened to my favorite artist’s discography on the way here

i’ve never been so inspired to create.

when i begin writing one of these descriptions, i always see it as so many opportunities / shoes i have to fill.

my grandma is probably going to read this

how do i talk about my emotions / relationships knowing that?

people who arent in my life anymore are probably going to read this .

it’s my one chance to speak to them and update them without breaking this weird no contact thing that our generation has created

their perspective makes me not want to admit anything bad is happening . i want it to seem like everything is fine since you’ve left, and that i’m doing so much better now

my parents read these , they probably learn new things about me every time. im not good at opening up by speaking. that’s why i write, that’s probably why all writers write

i know there are people who read my book(s)/websites and watch my films and it helps them find answers. that’s probably the best side effect of this. when my art comes directly from my brain, without my ego / emotions getting in the way, that's when people get the most out of my work.

with all of these versions of myself i have to stay true to for these people, it makes me not want to write a single thing

the only way around it is being ryan. who ryan is when nobody is around, who ryan is when my phone is off.

“the lights are on, and they’ve gone home, but who am i?”

it’s hard to know yourself if you’re acting all the time

(if you’re around new people, you’re gonna act. it’s okay. it’s natural. but don’t be afraid to take yourself on a date every so often)

i'm not saying im fake, im more so saying that it's hard to be a version of myself that is very lost and confused in this world while still trying to maintain an admirable persona.

i’m sitting on a bench near the deleware river. i’m in pennsylvania, i’m looking at new jersey.

couples are walking up from time to time . some of them have a lot to say to eachother, some of them just share a moment and watch the water.

i’ve lived those lives. i know those storylines. i think some experiences are universal .

who i think about while i’m here is very telling, much like an airplane. what is it about the airplane that makes your thoughts so vibrant?

my parking meter is gonna expire soon but i feel so inspired when i change my surroundings. i really think i should get an airbnb in a random city again, i’ll create cool stuff. it’s like taking a flower out of a pot, and replanting it in the dirt. letting it experience the natural ground for a change, its roots can go wherever they want.

who do you think about on the airplane?

intro

year in my life 8

right now, try to imagine how i was convincing my friends to make this with me.

maybe watch the intro again and actually try to picture how i was looking people in the eyes and telling them we're gonna get our heads shaved by a plague doctor.

thank you jojo matt pit phoenix and kyle for trusting my vision.

i hate asking people to help me with projects, i hated making you guys do that, even though you told me you were excited and enjoyed it.

also imagine being my neighbors and looking outside to see this

they probably avoid me now

we filmed this in january 2023. before year 7 even came out.

i wanted my head to get shaved in the intro of year 8, so when the first clip of the film happens, where i blow out the candles, my head is also shaved. it looked way more chronological than when i film an intro after the year is finished.

i drew out this idea at some point in 2022, maybe even 2021. it's so fascinating to see it finally come to life years later.

YIML 8

MCNAALLY

wardrobe was so fire.

happy i can finally post these pictures. it's been a secret for a year and a half as to why i had the worst haircut of all time.

yesterday i was explaining the meaning of this intro to someone who was at the viewing party a few weeks ago. i have no idea why, but i was getting choked up mid explanation. it's not a sad meaning by any means, i think i just love it so much. i think i'm super passionate about this story that i'm taking a decade to tell. it was a really important moment. i didn't know i would react that way to hearing it outloud for the first time.

until you've found something you let out passion tears over,

i don't think you know why you're alive yet.

SOUNDTRACK

different from last year, i didn't stick with the theme of only using one artist. heres what that got me though:

awesome.

means so much to me.

"we're on each others team"

demons by imagine dragons, wow, finally. a film to that song has been digging itself out from under my skin for a decade. in 2012, a hurricane hit the coast of new jersey and fucked it up bad. i remember being eleven years old and driving around the island with my parents months after the hurricane had happened. the island was still destroyed but it was on its way back to life. i had my wired beats by dre on and i was listening to demons. i was thinking, "wow, this matches perfectly to dramatic life moments." i always saw things cinematically, even when i didn't think i would ever make films of my own.

letter to an old poet by boygenius.

"you're not special, you're evil.

you don't get to tell me to calm down"

i showed clips of the world at this point.

in the midst of the eye infection / losing boosh, i was so upset with the world. how does such an infection exist? why would the world let that happen to me and my familly?

ur not special. ur evil.

all the clips at this time are just of the sunsets. that's all i could do for some time.

this whole portion of the video is one of my favorite portions of all 8 films. not even for good reasons, for powerful reasons.

also i only put one clip of my red eyes. i didn't want this part to be disturbing.

487704_a9e7efec7fbc4ab2a9da511aafe7980b~

okay, final stretch, strange airlines landing gear ejected.

driving all by myself back to new jersey from florida, i did the year in my life 8 world tour. i showed my parents the video on my last day at their house. i got to north carolina and showed gilly. i got to virginia and showed gabe & ant & hudson.

something happens to your perception when other people watch what you've made. have you ever drawn something and then showed your friends and it makes you realize “yea, maybe those lines are too long”. it helps u see what you’ve created almost through their eyes, before they even say anything.

that’s why i felt like showing people this video in super private sessions was important. i could tell which scenes were too long, or which parts needed more sound.

yiml means a lot to us.

also, whoever created the term "yiml" is genius. all of my friends just say yiml, pronounced like yimmul.

to anyone who watched this video in full and let me know what they thought about it, thank you so much. you are giving me access to an energy that’s gonna sustain me for a long, long time, not just the kind that transfers from creator to viewer, but from human being to human being.

thankyou

anyway,

i’m currently writing to you from home. home is a weird concept as of late but the sun is out and my skin is out so this is home. it’s april 16th, 2024 and i have a whole bunch of work to do. the spring beginning has been like a movie playing in the background. i have to start a rollout for year 8, massparanoia collection 1, & this website. i also want to start being really consistent on youtube, so i have a bunch of films on the back burner that i’m gonna polish and clean up and get them on the way to you. there’s about 10. it feels like i’m juggling everyday, switching tabs between completely opposite art forms.

for the first time in over a year (the longest i’ve gone since 17) my hair is bleach blond again. the days are bright, especially when i fall asleep to the birds chirping. there’s massparanoia samples all over the hallway, thank god nobody else lives here. i take mental notes on them as i walk past, seeing what little tweaks can make you love them more.

whoever wrote to me last year post-yiml and told me they didn’t want the website to end, i think it got to my head a little.

next time i write, i’ll have taken a deep breath and clicked “upload” on everything. this work will no longer be mine, but all yours. bittersweet in a way, there’s no opinions swaying mine yet.

as for what's coming, this is the tip of the iceberg. the next films are years in the making. i can't wait to share with you all.

thanks for being here.